To the one who made me a mother,

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Dear firstborn,

When you were born I was born too, as a mother. Before you, I didn’t know that my heart could burst spontaneously, overwhelmed with love and never have I whispered, I love you to someone possibly a hundred times a day. Looking after you and cherishing you has been the biggest pleasure of our life and it will continue to be as long as we live.

As you turn almost 20 months, I can’t help wondering how much your life will change forever in just a few days. As you are going to become a big brother. I have no doubt that you will be wonderful at it. You are loving, nurturing, and so sweet. You may not understand it but you being you is enough for us to know just how much you will love the baby and how she will fall head over heels in love with you.

Yet, you are so small and your existence revolves around me and your dad. You are most secure when you are in our arms or have us in your sight. I know we are your world and you feel that we belong only to you. But the reality is that it will not be just us anymore. We will have another little addition to our family who will demand my time and need me more than you may at this time. It makes me scared and sad wondering if at times I will make you question our love.

I will be distracted, tired and irritable at times but it does not mean that you have become any less special or you come after the baby. I may not be able to spend the extra hour cuddling you after you wake up every day or read you your favorite book 5 times before you fall asleep every night. You will see me loving and taking care of someone else. You will see someone else occupy so much time in my arms, arms that belong to you. As you still try to make sense of the world, this will come as an added confusion. But I promise you that we will adjust in a way that my arms will always be open for you whenever you need me. My love for you only expands, that’s what a mother’s love is.

I will continue to be the overbearing mother who gets over excited and celebrate every little thing you do. I will cook your favorite meals and laugh with you while watching Wiggles. I will dance with you and play with you whenever I have a chance. We will even squeeze in our morning and nighttime rituals. It may be shorter but nonetheless sweeter. I promise you that you will still have the loving childhood you deserve and is used to. And better, you have someone to share it with.

You are my first born and no one can hold that space. You didn’t just come into our life dependent on us for your every need. You with all your worldly wise from the womb have taught us so much. You have forced me to grow in ways that I did not expect. You with your tiny hands and feet have managed to direct us to make better choices. You with your big bright eyes have enlightened our life and we cannot imagine a single second without you. Your energy and enthusiasm is contagious and I sometimes feel like a teenager wanting to dance in the rain and jump in puddles. Just to put a smile on your face. You are a miracle and everything with you is a joy. I can only hope to give you as much joy as you keep giving us.

We are going to say goodbye to the days of just us, and I will miss it terribly. But seeing you as a big brother will probably put a permanent mist in my eyes. I look forward to all the wonderful things you will continue to do with the same anticipation as the day we welcomed you to the world.

I know we have enough love in our hearts to go around, just like there is always room on mother’s lap as in our favorite book. You who made me a mother, you will continue to be my baby always.

Yours forever,

Mommy

 

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